I’m never shocked by how high and low the capacity of my happiness can be. It's so clique to get kicked while you're down, but that’s the way it always seems to go for me. Whether it’s overdraft fees or car accidents, my incidences always happen in pairs, and currently clusters.
Last week I had surgery on an abscess caused by Crohn’s disease, which they then sewed open so it could heal from the inside out. The professionals told me that full recovery would take months, forcing me to defer from my current classes, pack up and move back home with my parents for the time being. The ironic bit is that I recently crossed paths with a boy I graduated with who also had emergency surgery and was in a similar situation. When I inquired him about his injury he said, “yah, it’s been a journey.” Naturally my entitled self clung to the first thing I could find wrong with this seemingly perfect boy, whom I had assumed was nothing shy of privileged. And, in my jealous head all I could think of was what I wouldn’t give to heal and stay healthy, or how could you call a small tiff like a broken bone a journey? Of course verbalizing all of these gross opinions set my cosmic karma off on its own well deserved “journey.”
I’ve never had so many people examine at my asshole in the course of one month. Never mind the fact that I been horizontal so long that I’ve developed a lump in my back. I’ve never experienced a painful drawn out recover such as this, and I thought I knew pain. Turns out there are many different kinds of pain. The overmedicating, stinging stitches, back aches, and stomach cramps are almost bearable, but I can’t stand the places my brain has gone in the past few weeks.
I went kicking and screaming into this situation, sometimes literally. People tell me how strong I am, but they don't know that I have woken up a whole hospital floor wailing. I feel like people only notice my strength when I'm at my weakest. Sometimes I’m not strong by choice. It takes a lot of very loving people to keep me from self-destructing, and for that I thank you. I really do appreciate all the support on social media, the people who visited me in the hospital and my family for being my everything. Being alone in this would be unthinkable.
A lot of mistakes have lead to my downfall and I don't want anyone to think that I am undeserving of the seeds that I've sewn. While it is unfortunate that I have Crohn's disease I know that it was not caused by bad luck. It has roots in my repressed childhood trauma. This is no one's fault but my own. I have always held myself to a standard that is was impossible to achieve. I let the expectations of others supersede the the things that I love to do. There is a balance that I have yet to achieve. I was addicted to work and obsessed with getting away from the only place I have ever called home. And that is how I became condemned to the exact place I once loathed.
Being an adult and living with your adult parents is like a trip down the rabbit hole. That in itself has relieved the most comical aspects of my little journey. It has also unmasked some psychological battles I didn't know I was fighting. I've rediscovered the magic that once surrounded me as a child here on my parent's ranch. I've repositioned myself in a direction that balances pleasures and disciplinary tasks that better my future. And I did all of this from the comfort of my Great Grandmother's bathtub. While recovery sucks, it's monumental to finally have a chance to breathe. my journey hasn't quite come full circle but I intend to reach a whole new level of Super Saiyan all thanks to the support and patience I have been given these past few weeks.
If anyone asks where I am just tell them, Maddi its safe and sound at the hometown reading motivational books, taking too many baths and binge watching ViceLand from her parents bed.
Special thanks to Tricky Hair for the 3D Mink Eyelashes