Monday, April 3, 2017


Like any true Sagittarius, I'm always on an endless quest for the deeper meaning to life. But lately I've been more focused on simpler things, like what do I want and what do I feel. I think it's really easy for us all to get tangled up in the wants and thoughts of others. When I was little I was ostracized by the other girls because I didn't believe in the same things, or play the same way they did. When I would befriend the boys it would only cause more jealousy and tension from my female counter parts. I would cry to my mother and she would be shocked by the way I was being treated at school. She would only hear nice things about me from what the other little girls were telling their mothers. How could they be so far off? This was the first lesson I learned on the importance of staying true to your soul.  The ego is not honest.  The way people treat others does not always parallel what they think of them.   People carry so many complexes, I could never be bothered to take them on as my own at that age when I could barely comprehend my own.

 As a teenager, I feel I doubled as a street corner counselor.  It always worried my mother when I would bring home interesting characters with such obvious problems like they were stray cats. These were the people I felt understood me best. While I don't think they needed me, I always wanted to help them. I loved these friends like family, but the issue with people who rely on you for energy is that they attach themselves to you like tubes in your chest. The second lesson I needed to learn was separating myself from the problems of others. How necessary it was to cut these cords and not deplete myself entirely.  I think people can play a very important role in your life, but that purpose may only serve you for a period of time.  Letting go is hard for me, especially when it comes to people. I decided that in order for me to live a healthy life I needed to rid myself of all the traces of my past self. Just seeing the posts of people who had been so detached from my life on social media was numbing me to the reality that I was living a life altered by the opinions of others. My 8 year old self would cringe at me now if she could see how submissive I've become. I used to be a warrior.

 I think that the older we get the more material driven we become. The world transforms into a game of who has what and how much, but what I needed was less. The real problem is that everywhere we look someone is trying to convince you to buy something, as if air wasn't free. I thrive in a simple, natural environment. That applies to everything in my life from food and friends to living space and music. Mainstream media does not abide be these standards. At the risk of sounding pretentious, I can do better than one size fits all. Along with deleting hundreds of irrelevant relationships from my social media, I detoxed my music and television. Even the clothing I wear now is less ignorant.  There has been so much hostility on every platform of our existence with the social and political crisis we are currently in that it makes me physically ill to think about. I don't need an hourly reminder every time I unlock my phone.

Staying positive and confident about who I am, what I believe in and what I think I might believe in has never been easy. I think we should all put a little more thought into what we want and less of what is expected. I decided the best way to find myself again was through my playlists. Music has always helped my soul sing out the feeling I didn't know I had. For too long I had exclusively been listing to the music that others chose and I didn't realize how cold that made me. Finding obscure music is a small passion of mine, which is why I love Soundcloud so much. I secretly fantasize about being a DJ in the UK underground party scene. While that may be a little far fetched I can always count on my shuffle to take me someplace better. I compiled a little song list from the heart for you all to enjoy. I hope that if anything it will help you feel a bit inspired. Thanks for reading!



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Sam said...

Totally loving your outfit:)

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Unknown said...

What a beautiful dress! These photos are gorgeous and I love the flowers!

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